“What is both surprising and delightful is that spectators are allowed, and even expected, to join in the vocal part of the game.... There is no reason why the field should not try to put the batsman off his stroke at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagements of his wife's fidelity and his mother's respectability.” ~George Bernard Shaw
For the baseball fan, there are only two seasons. One of them is baseball season. The other is not. Baseball season is sunshine, warm weather, lazy days at the ballpark and catching a foul ball. It’s hot dogs with mustard and sunflower seeds and remembering a pencil to keep score. It’s home runs and strikeouts and the seventh inning stretch when everyone, whether they can sing or not, sings “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at the top of their lungs, even though they’re already there. But baseball is not a “spectator sport”, at least for the diehard fan. With the holiest of days just around the corner, the true gamer is working hard to get into shape to be ready for Opening Day.
With two kids on the field, I’ve already had a chance to get into game shape. Sure, there’s the schlepping of things like water and chairs and half eaten bags of sunflower seeds and the baseball bags that take up the whole backseat, busting open with well worn mitts and crusty batting gloves and muddy cleats that smell so bad you have to drive with the windows open. That goes with the territory. But it’s the participation side of which I speak.
It’s funny how quickly it begins. You arrive at the field for the game. Smiling, you greet the other parents as they come in, dragging their coolers and blankets and sunscreen. Finding a sunny spot, you take a seat and begin to politely chat about everything and nothing. “How was your weekend? and “Isn’t this lovely weather we’re having?” and then all of a sudden the umpire says “Play Ball” and without warning, it starts.
“Good eye,” you say. “Atta boy, leave it.” and then, “There’s ducks on the pond.” Ah, the language of baseball.
You gotta love baseball. Everybody talks. It’s a prerequisite. The coaches talk to the players. The players talk to each other and the umpires talk to whoever will listen. But best of all, the fans talk. Loudly. To anyone and no one, to the players, the coaches and most of all, to the umpires, saying things that you would never be caught dead saying to any other person in your life because if you did they would think you were an awful person and immediately want to hurt you. The art of chatter.
In preparation for the start of the season, I offer the following primer on the language of baseball. Things to say when your team is in the field:
“Go right at him.” – I know, this is a tough one for those of us who were raised on peace and love and Kumbaya. It means: Do not let that guy intimidate you.
“Eat it.”- My mother used to say this to me when she put brussel sprouts on my plate. It was usually followed by the words “and you’ll like it.” I didn’t. It means: Don’t throw the ball.
“He’s throwing cheese.”- Definitely a sacrilege for anyone from the great state of Wisconsin. Also breaks at least one of the food rules. It means: The pitcher’s throwing hard.
Things to say when your team is up to bat:
“We got ice.” – Did someone else remember to bring the margherita mix? It means: Get on base, even if you have to let the pitch hit you.
“Get dirty.” – Apparently invented by someone who was not responsible for doing the laundry at their house. It means: Slide, dummy.
“He smoked it.” – In the words of our former first lady, “Just say no”. It means: Wow!
Things to say to the umpire:
“You’re missing a good game.” – Be careful, or next time we might not invite you. It means: Could you make a call that we agree with, please?
“Come on, blue, you’re killing me.” – Not that I’m taking it personally or anything. It means: I’ve written down your license plate and I know where you live.
So, for those of you who will be at the ballpark this summer, watching kids or those who still think they are, try out a phrase or two. But remember to warm up before game time. You wouldn’t want to end up on the DL with a hammy.