We are not meant to live in isolation. What makes us healthy and whole is the connections we form with one another. With our families. Our friends. Our colleagues and our community… The thing we need the most to feel healthy has become harder to get.
After more than 30 years in the field of social work, I know one thing to be true. We do not need to be victims to our situation. We have choices to make, each and every day about how we want to live our lives. How we choose to show up for ourselves and each other.
Practice #5 - Tell the Truth
When my children were little I used to tell them that the worst thing they could do was lie to me. Lying destroys trust, I told them, and in the end trust is the most important thing we have. I can’t guarantee that they always told me their truth, but I know one thing, I always tried to tell them mine. Tried being the operative word. Telling the truth is hard.
One time, again early in my career, I was working with a couple who were struggling with something really tough. I liked them. I didn’t want them to be in pain and so I did something I’ve since learned was a mistake, I didn’t say what I knew to be true. I kept the truth from them because I wanted to protect them. Because I didn’t want them to suffer but you know what? They knew the truth anyway and they knew I wasn’t being straight with them.
We know what’s true. We know when people are being honest with us. When we hold back the truth to protect someone we love, we threaten the trust they have in us. But what if the truth is painful? What if the truth is going to cause someone hurt? As a social worker and therapist and mother, I have learned that people can handle the truth. Even the difficult truth. Human beings are strong. We are resilient.
Try This:
The other day a friend asked me, “What do I tell my kids about what’s going on? How do I talk to them? Reassure them? Tell them it’s going to be OK?” As we look into our children’s eyes, we see the pain in the present moment. We see the worry. The anxiety. How do we take away the fear?
The truth is, we can’t. This is a scary time. Tell them the truth. “Your fears are real. You have a right to feel afraid. I’m scared too.” Don’t overwhelm them with your anxiety, of course, but a simple acknowledgement, one that is age appropriate for the child goes a long way towards helping them understand that what they are feeling is normal. It’s healthy. It’s theirs. It belongs to them and they get to own it. Your job is not to take away their feelings but to help them process them. Don’t try to spare them from their truth. Acknowledge their experience. They are strong. They are resilient. They (and you) can handle it.
image from here.
